The F-word and Female Responsibility

There was an ‘incident’ that happened to me recently which made me furious.

Have you ever heard about those stories about groping on Japanese subways? I became aware of this when I was 18 and travelling to Japan by myself for the first time. I had heard that men would often grope Japanese women on trains because the women did not make a scene out of embarrassment. The travel logs never said that western women were groped because they had a tendency to yell at the groper, causing mortal shame for the groping men.

anti-groping

That was when I made up my mind to be that vocal woman. Fortunately, I never had a chance to practice my scream on the Japanese train and I soon forgot all about the risk of being groped. That is, I forgot until a ten year old Indian boy grabbed my boob four years later.

The mere shock made me stop in my tracks, speechless. I was walking with a friend in Colaba, Mumbai, and it wasn’t a crowded street. The Jr. groper had been walking next to us and asking if we would marry him. Then, he briefly cupped my breast, and we both stopped. There was a strange moment where time slowed down. He looked at me expectantly, to see the shock on my face. It was there alright. He had a big grin on his face when I snapped out of it and cuffed him on the side of the head. He took off running as I yelled after him.

I didn’t think it was a big deal. I still don’t. At least he hung around to receive the punishment he expected. It wasn’t very serious, but I’ll tell you what has prompted me to write this blog.

Just last week, while waiting for the bus in Vancouver, I felt something touch my bum. I took my earbuds out, and turned to see a man of about sixty walking past me wearing a sweatsuit and baseball cap. He had shoulder length and scraggly blond hair.
He smiled at me.
This time I didn’t hesitate.
I yelled at him, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You can’t just touch my butt and walk away like it’s okay!”
I caught up to him.
He picked up his pace, and didn’t meet my eyes but turned and said, “Don’t worry about it baby, I’m an international rock star”.
“It doesn’t matter who the fuck you are. You violated me.” I yelled, so that people across the street could hear.
He started to run away, and I chased after him. I caught up and tried to kick him in the butt, but missed because I was wearing high heels.

I will take this opportunity to mention to the assholes who might be reading this, that I was not wearing slutty clothes (and if I was, it wouldn’t mean that I had less right to be angry).

I continued to yell after him as he ran away. A man who saw the whole thing told me that I should file a police report.
I couldn’t be bothered with that. What was that going to do anyway? I didn’t know who he was and he looked like a generic man who hung around the Gastown pub district at night.

I was fuming and felt violated, but was happy that I had had the presence of mind to yell and chase after the guy. I was glad he got scared and ran away from me…
I wished I hadn’t missed the kick to the ass.

My bus didn’t come either.

So, pissed off and riled up I went back to the pub to wait with my friends for the next bus that would come in an hour. After my unexpected re-entrance and grand proclamation that I had just chased a groper down the street and that my bus didn’t come, my friends and I got into a discussion about female blame and responsibility.

Basically, even though we are taught that rape, groping, and verbal sexual abuse is wrong and we should fight out against it, many women I know have been raised to believe that they have some kind of responsibility for the male attention they receive. Whether this attention is wanted or unwanted, there is something ingrained into society that says that men only react to female sexuality.

For a less-extreme example than rape, take a situation where a girl finds out that a boy she has been friendly with has a crush on her. If this attention is unwanted, I know that the first question that will come up for her and her friends will be “what did I do that made him get a crush on me?”

The problem here is the belief that a woman possesses a dangerous power to seduce, and if she doesn’t control it carefully then men will end up falling for her. It’s something we call “leading him on”.

I know that whenever this has happened to me, I feel as if I can change the way I behave around men to avoid any sort of awkwardness. I immediately start to evaluate and mediate all my male relationships to ensure they stay friendly.

For the more extreme example of rape, let’s think of all the times when a woman has been accused of “deserving it” because of her past sexual history, the way she dressed, what neighbourhood and what time, or how much she had to drink. Thankfully a new dialogue has risen out of some unfortunately extreme cases that got a lot of publicity. The new idea discounts all aspects of female responsibility when a woman falls victim to sexual abuse.

For the people who are aware that women are not responsible for the abuses visited on them by men, there is a new kind of responsibility we must adopt. This is not only the responsibility to educate other women, but the need to educate men. It might be hard to tell the creepy man who is gesturing at you on the bus that it is inappropriate and makes you feel violated, but now you know that it’s not your fault you should think of the next girl or woman he will do this to.

Every time you let something slide (because maybe he’s not actually said anything, or hasn’t touched you, or you’re getting off at the next stop anyway), you’re actually sending a message that it’s okay.
My advice? Use your voice. If you’re in public, tell it to them. If you’re not in public, yell it to the world in some other way.

Also, don’t listen to people who call you a feminist like it’s a bad thing. It means you believe in your rights and will defend them.

My question for you:

Why has Feminism become a dirty word?

Edit: I  just discovered this website, iHollaback! which campaigns against street harassment. There is a space to read and share other stories about this issue.

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5 thoughts on “The F-word and Female Responsibility

  1. Johnny Mackenzie

    While I agree with mostly everything you’ve said and how you acted in regards to unwanted behavior and attention..I believe feminism today… has lost it’s way. It’s no longer about gender equality. Give an inch take a mile..what happened to Humanist?

    I tend to agree with a lot of what Karen Straughan says regarding feminism and female responsibility. Check out her youtube videos “Girl Writes What” She’s a very smart individual who articulates many relevant points about why feminism today is really doing more damage than helping.

    Regardless, keep up the awesome writing!

    John M.

    Reply
      1. Johnny Mackenzie

        The points I do not jive with in totality is in regards to female responsibility regarding rape and what feminism has become (in todays context) is a “good” thing.

        I’m reminded of a youtube video of MRA and feminists arguing
        this one actually —-> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvYyGTmcP80

        Regarding women’s responsibility.
        If a man and a woman are both inebriated and consent (key word consent) to the act of sexual intercourse..yet later the woman feels guilt and regret for the decision and voices her regret the man is then considered to have “raped” her from a “feminists” point of view. This type of situation happens all the time. Who is really victimized?

        I’m also in agreement that if you dress and act a certain way especially if you are imbibing copious amounts of inebriating substances in an environment where unwanted and unwarranted attention is prevalent. Such as Bars,Clubs,Parties, raves etc..then you are partly to blame for any scenario that may come skulking your way. I’m not advocating full blame, every situation is different… This principle does not only apply to slutty dressed drunken women. I wouldn’t walk down a dark alley in a questionable neighborhood wearing a bunch of nice jewelry and clothing knowing I could get mugged..the same principle applies. As such if one does intend on dressing slutty/guido getting sloppy drunk and grinding on the dance floor with every dude/girl he/she sees then I believe he/she should be prepared before hand by having designated male friends or more sober friends to stop any altercation that may arise.

        People tend to forget that we are animals we have animal instincts fight or flight. Sure we like to think we are “enlightened” enough to purge base desires. How ever … I think disassociating ourselves from that fact can lead to some very misinformed viewpoints.

        Something that just came to mind as a curiosity.. is how prevalent in most of these cases are the people committing these debauched acts sociopathic in nature? Would be interesting to know.

  2. Johnny Mackenzie

    “and what feminism has become (in todays context) as being a “good” thing.” * pardon my grammar 🙂

    Reply
  3. Zach

    Totally agree, except that I feel like all people hold some responsibility for being aware of their surroundings. If you get very drunk in a rough neighbourhood, you put yourself at risk. This is true whether you’re a man or a woman, and to say that someone isn’t to blame for putting themselves in that sort of situation isn’t fair.

    Reply

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